============================================================
ENRON NEURAL SYSTEMS CORP.
SHAREHOLDER LETTER — FISCAL YEAR 2023
PRINTED ON: EPSON FX-80 DOT MATRIX PRINTER
RIBBON STATUS: LOW (PLEASE REPLACE SOON)
============================================================
DEAR VALUED SHAREHOLDERS AND NEURAL NET ENTHUSIASTS,
It is with TREMENDOUS EXCITEMENT and UNBOUNDED OPTIMISM that I write to you today from the executive terminal of our Houston headquarters, where the air conditioning bill alone exceeds the GDP of several small nations.
After 16 years of dominating the energy futures market through what our lawyers have advised me to call "creative accounting," the Board of Directors and I have made a PIVOTAL decision:
WE ARE PIVOTING FROM ENERGY FUTURES TO "TENSER FLOW OPTIMIZATION."
What is Tenser Flow Optimization? An excellent question. We have asked our engineering team — all three of them — and they assure us it has something to do with MATRICES and GRADIENT DESCENT. I do not know what either of those words mean, but I am told they are worth approximately $400 billion in projected market capitalization.
INTRODUCING: MARK-TO-COMPUTE ACCOUNTING
As many of you know, Enron pioneered the "Mark-to-Market" accounting method, which allows us to book revenue from deals that have not yet occurred, may never occur, and in several notable cases, CANNOT PHYSICALLY OCCUR.
We are now proud to introduce its spiritual successor: MARK-TO-COMPUTE.
Under Mark-to-Compute, Enron books the revenue from future Artificial General Intelligence (AGI) TODAY — calculated by extrapolating the scaling laws of our neural network, which is currently running on an Apple IIe in the basement of Building 7.
The math is simple:
IF our 64-kilobyte neural net achieves a 0.003% accuracy
improvement per epoch,
AND we extrapolate that curve forward by 10,000 years,
THEN we can conservatively project that Enron's AI will
achieve superintelligence by Q3 2033,
AND we can book the net present value of all future
superintelligent revenue RIGHT NOW, which our model
estimates at: $∞
Our auditors at Arthur Andersen have reviewed this methodology and have given it their full endorsement, provided we do not show them the Apple IIe.
THE LATENT SPACE FUTURES MARKET
Enron is pleased to announce the launch of our newest trading desk: LATENT SPACE FUTURES. For the first time in financial history, investors can buy and sell derivatives based on the HIDDEN REPRESENTATIONS inside a neural network that we ourselves do not understand.
We believe this is the future of finance. If you cannot see the asset, touch the asset, or prove the asset exists, then it cannot, by definition, lose value.
Think about that.
IN CLOSING:
The future is BRIGHT. The future is NEURAL. The future is being computed on 8-bit hardware in a poorly ventilated server closet. But the FUTURE IS OURS.
Synergistically yours,